He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
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Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy