To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…