Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
You Might Also Like
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
this has done me in for some reason
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time