You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.