if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
You Might Also Like
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
The French cow says MEUX…
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.