First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Alexa; make it look like an accident
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.