[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
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Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Comparing yourself to others
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Isn’t
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.