My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
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Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I have obtained a hat
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!