honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Anyone really
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee