Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
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Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.