bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting