I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.