What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.