put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit