Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
You Might Also Like
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore