Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
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What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!