Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I would move hell over six inches for you
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face