Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.