Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.