Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Warm pools make me nervous.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.