Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
You Might Also Like
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.