I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
lmao
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.