So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Has there ever been a more American story?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*