Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
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Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I can also cook 😂
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
who did the taste test?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you