My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
You Might Also Like
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
San Francisco has too many rules
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.