I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
how to have fun when you’re poor
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
3% human
97% stress
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.