Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
gm
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.