Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks