I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Saw online –
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.