My birth announcement for our third baby
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Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what