ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.