interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
SPLOOT
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt