The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
WHY?!