If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
What kind of a cult is this?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
also my go-to takeaway order
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.