[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
A short story of betrayal:
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them