A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
You Might Also Like
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture