Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
You Might Also Like
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early