PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Taking phone security to the next level.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.