a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone