Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!