“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.