No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Hard not to take this personally
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
boat question
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀