Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”