Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Thoughts
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.