[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[eats all your cotton candy]
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this