WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
They did not miss in the small print
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Something Saturday.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*