What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?