In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles