the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
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Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month