It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.